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Wednesday August 15th, 2018

Ravers across the planet are organizing the world’s first snort-in, a protest where activists snort cocaine — all in an effort to show solidarity with the Columbian refugees being turned away at the American border. “Borders aren’t real, but Columbian white snow sure as hell is,” says coke enthusiast and human rights activist Charlie Doge. “As long as the Trump administration insists on putting borders before people, me and my buddies are going to snort cocaine in an act of public defiance. This isn’t about getting high, it’s about civil disobedience and resisting the the tyranny of walls, the tyranny of white racism, the tyranny of ethnic insularity.”

Charlie, the brainchild behind the snort-in, says that the idea came for him one night while he was enjoying an eight ball of pure white pleasure in the back alley of his local pornographic movie theatre. “I was just there, contemplating the meaning of it all, when I realized… It isn’t fair that I get to enjoy Columbian cocaine in the USA while the people of Columbia aren’t even allowed across the border. It’s easier to get coke into this country than it is to get people into this country. That’s messed up.”

That insight inspired him to go on a five hundred tweet rampage on Twitter, a website that’s incredibly popular with trust fund kids who pretend to be journalists. His tweets caught the eye of Dino Johnson, the editor in chief of the billion dollar left wing media behemoth NullVirtue. NullVirtue, which is partly owned by some of the world’s most notorious neoliberal oligarchs, threw its support behind Charlie, and helped turn his twitter phantasm into reality.

“Thanks to the help of a billion dollar corporation and its army of trust fund journalists, me and a bunch of ravers are going to snort cocaine for justice next week,” says Charlie. “We’re going to get high for a cause, and hopefully we’ll convince a few people that it’s time we got rid of borders and embraced a world without walls.”
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