A Toronto rave promoter ruined his chance to sleep with a beautiful young lady this Friday when he offered her money in return for sex. “I was going to sleep with him originally,” says Tina LaBelle. “Why else would I have agreed to go to his place at 5 am after a night of partying? But then he had to go and ruin things by telling me he’d give me $1500 for lifting up my skirt and bending over. It was so awkward. I would have fucked him for free, but the moment he took out his wallet, I just wanted to get out of there.”

Experiences like Tina’s pay-for-play mishap are on the rise as an increasing number of young men choose to replace foreplay for fat stacks of cash. Sexologist David Gingerman blames this new development on the increasingly fast paced nature of capitalist society. “Men no longer have the patience for foreplay,” says David. “Now they just want to skip it entirely, and they think the best way to do this is by throwing money at women. They’d rather buy intimacy than build it up.”

A recent study by the Manhattan Institute for Sexual Fulfilment shows that over 45% of men under 30 would rather just offer a woman $200 for a blowjob than take her out on a date to slowly cultivate enough intimacy and sexual chemistry for oral sex to happen organically. “This is the swipe-right, next day shipping culture in full bloom,” says David. “Men have become impatient. They want what they want and they want it now, and they’re willing to offer gold coins in exchange for good coitus — at least if it saves them time. Unfortunately, not all women are down with this new exchange economy, and this disconnect means that some men who are about to get free sex don’t realize it, so they end up getting no sex at all. Remember boys, don’t offer her money until you’re sure she isn’t offering it to you for free.”