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Tuesday March 22nd, 2016

The Canadian government will send a dozen furries dressed up like lions, dogs, and foxes to Syria next May to negotiate with the leaders of ISIS claims a leaked report. “Prime Minister Trudeau is a visionary who realizes that only socially enlightened furries can defeat Islamic radicalism,” says a liberal party insider. “Thats why he’s assembled a crack team of feminists who dress like cartoon animals to convince ISIS to lay down their arms and embrace peace. These furries were scouted from the most progressive corners of the internet and are well versed in intersectional feminism, otherkin theology, and critical race theory. They understand that ISIS and its members are victims of white cis-male heteronormative privilege and will teach ISIS how to dismantle the systems of power that oppress them by using feminist dialectics and cartoon animal performance therapy instead of violence.” In simple English, Justin Trudeau believes he can end ISIS by teaching its members how to insult people over twitter using feminist rhetoric while dressed up like cartoon animals.

The report doesn’t explain why this plan has any chance of succeeding, but that hasn’t stopped it from drawing rave reviews from Canada’s pundit class. “The Feminist Furry ISIS Peace Plan is the most brilliant piece of foreign policy i’ve ever encountered,” says CBC journalist Alex Crisdecon. “And I can tell you, my opinion is shared by everyone else at CBC. We all agree that only a combination of feminist dialectics and cartoon animal performance therapy can end the civil war in Syria and bring peace to the Middle East.”

Selina Miles, president of the Canadian Federation of University Professors, agrees. “Only Prime Minister Trudeau could come up with something as brilliant as the Feminist Furry ISIS Peace Plan,” says Selina. “And that’s a point of view shared by the vast majority of University professors in Canada. We all agree with Trudeau!”

The plan might be popular with the over-educated imbeciles who run our Universities and media, but average Canadians aren’t so sure it’ll work out. “I just don’t think sending feminist furries to Syria is a good idea,” says 45 year old Joe Dorval. “I don’t know, it just seems stupid. If these animal costume weirdos came to my local pub and started yelling at the guys there about feminism, we’d beat the shit out of them. I can’t imagine the response will be any better in Syria.”

Selina disagrees. “The feminist furries we send to Syria won’t be attacked the way they would in Canada,” says Selina. “Canada is a barbaric nation full of violent and uncouth men incapable of moral reasoning, so obviously they believe that Trudeau’s plan won’t work. Ugh, white men who aren’t feminists shouldn’t be allowed to vote. They’re so stupid and disgusting and awful. Intersectionality akbar!”
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