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Monday January 11th, 2016

Ravers at The Gaping Hole psytrance spent the entire night dancing on the body of a man who had choked to to death on his own vomit, police say. “A 24 year old male overdosed on bath salts at the party and no one noticed,” says Sgt. Leonard Batista of the SPVM. “They just danced on top of his corpse like it wasn’t even there.”

Raveologist Jenny Grossknaucker says that what happened wasn’t unusual for ravers. “It’s very common actually,” says Jenny. “Once ravers enter the dancing state, which their sacred rave bible calls the hooblah state, it’s like they lose track of the world around them. They become one with the music, and their capacity to deal with the cold and brutal realities around them simply evaporates. We can’t blame the ravers for their callousness anymore than we can blame a skunk for being stinky. That’s just the way the raver god, Skrillos, made them. If we cast aspersions to ravers for following the ways of Skrillos, we’ll have failed to uphold Canada’s pluralistic liberalism, so I hope everyone calms down and realizes that what happened at The Gaping Hole isn’t a big deal.”

Gary Godwin, one of the Gaping Hole ravers, says that everyone was horrified when the music stopped. “We were really shocked to realize that we had spent the better part of a night dancing on top of someone’s corpse,” says Gary. “By the time we were finished, his body had been thoroughly crushed to pieces. There was blood and guts and faeces and shards of bone all over the dance floor. It was disgusting. I can’t believe no one noticed. That’s the power of Skrillos for you. praise be unto the one true god of techno, lord of sick beats and great drugs.”

Sgt. Batista says that no one will be charged with any crime. “Ravers will be ravers,” says Sgt. Batista. “And sometimes that means they’ll dance on top of a corpse until it’s been crushed to a pulp. And that’s okay. We’re a multicultural society, we need to accept the ways of Skrillos as simply being another variant of the human experience.”
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