Dozens of angry ravers attacked party promoter Jonathan Hedwig on Saturday after he refused to give them a refund. “It was a free party!” says Jonathan. “They didn’t even pay to get in. The music was free, the venue was free, we even had free water bottles for everyone. Everything was free!”

One of the ravers who assaulted Jonathan say that even though they didn’t pay to get in, they did spend their time at the event, and time is money. “The party was so bloody boring, I should have stayed home and worked on creating new business products” says 19 year old pornographer Stanley Winebaum. “Every hour I spent at that stupid free party was an hour I could have spent selling pornography online. I was robbed by that free party of future profits, and I want those profits back.”

Other ravers agree. “There’s no such thing as a free party,” claims 21 year old psychopath Hayley Kimet. “If we’re not paying with money, than we’re paying with our time. The way I see it, ravers at free parties are unpaid servants of the promoters. We’re engaging in emotional labour by creating a pleasant environment that people enjoy being in. We should be paid for that emotional labour. It’s time for promoters to stop taking our work as ravers for granted.”

Hayley said she knows she’s right, because she’s read similar arguments on The London Shield, a popular newspaper in the United Kingdom commonly read by idiots with liberal art degrees. “Journalists at the London Shield claim that people should be paid for emotional labour, like the kind of work your mom does cooking turkey on Christmas and shit. Well, we say ravers at free parties are engaging in emotional labour. We want our money! Pay us promoters! We’re done raving for free. Give us our shekels!”