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Monday February 29th, 2016

Montreal’s DJ Ardifakz was arrested in Vancover over the weekend after he flew across the continent to beat up an autistic 14 year old girl who kept insulting him over twitter. “That girl had it coming,” says DJ Ardifakz. “She kept saying I was a bad DJ, that my music sucks, that I didn’t have any talent. It was just a non-stop stream of vitriol. You can’t tell someone they’re a shitty DJ and not expect them to buy a $3,000 plane ticket and travel several thousand miles to beat you up. That’s perfectly normal response.”

Deejayologists agree, mostly. “It’s not normal for healthy human beings, but DJs aren’t healthy. Hell, some would argue they’re not even fully human,” says Dr. Paul Pott, head of Concordia’s Department of DJ Studies. “Most DJs have poor impulse control and complete inability to tell right from wrong. A normal person can walk from an insult, but DJs are incapable of doing that. Their brains are structured in a way that makes them respond to threats the way a feral wolf would. They see insults as an existential threat. That’s why you should never mock or tease a DJ if you value your life.”

Police say that DJs are constantly tracking down their detractors and beating them. “It must be exhausting to be a DJ,” says Sgt. Leo Bautista of the Vancouver police department. “When they’re not making music, they’re traveling around the world attacking their enemies. Imagine living a life like that, a life where blood lust dominates every aspect of your day. It’s my job to arrest people who break the law, but I can’t help but pity DJs. They’re lives are full of hatred and biles. It’s really sad.”

Most DJs agree. “I don’t want to kill my enemies, but I can’t help it,” says DJ Rogan Fresh of Quebec City. “When someone calls me a bad name over the internet, I become obsessed with hunting them down like prey. My entire life starts revolving around tracking them down. It’s a compulsion. I can’t help it.”

Dr. Pott says that he’s working with his colleague to develop novel ways of treating DJ rage. “There’s no current treatment for DJ rage, and that needs to change,” says Dr. Pott. “We can’t have people like Ardifakz flying across the country to beat up teenage girls. We need to help DJs learn to control their anger. We need to teach them that violence isn’t the answer.”
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