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Friday February 26th, 2016

Leaders from Canada’s five major political parties released a joint statement on Monday condemning Anime Nationalism and calling it a threat to liberal democracy. “It’s time for the people of Canada to recognize that a new menace has emerged from the shadows, intent on destroying our freedoms, our culture, our very way of life,” says Prime Minister Tristan Judo. “The enemy isn’t radical Islam, it isn’t conservatism, it isn’t progressivism. No! I have seen the real enemy. They are the otaku, the weeaboos, the anime fanatics who lurk in the dark corners of the internet, stalking their prey like voracious monsters with bottomless pits for stomachs. If we do not defeat them today, they will defeat us tomorrow. The threat is real, and we must be prepared for their onslaught.”

Anime Nationalists hit the scene in a large way this year after the Weeaboo Liberation Army took hostages in Boston in early January. Officials in Massachusetts’s say that we can expect more anime related terrorism in the future. “These people, they’re smart, they’re dedicated, and they’re incredibly vicious,” says ex-FBI agent Donald Scully. “They won’t until they’ve made Make Anime Great again. They want to rebuild the West to reflect their anime sensibilities, to create a society where women are more kawaii and where senpai are finally noticed. They’re against democracy, against equality, against open borders. People want to laugh at the otaku, but they need to be afraid.”

Many in the mainstream media have already sounded the alarm. Republican strategist Richard Wilkinson says that Donald Trump has become the standard bearer for the anime nationalist movement, with over 85% of his supporters identifying with characters from Naruto and One Piece. “Most Trump supporters are obsessed with Anime,” says Richard. “They want to live inside the cartoons they watch, and that’s why they support Trump, who is a larger than life cartoon character straight out of an 1980s post-apocalyptic anime.”

The Trump campaign, for it’s part, has distanced itself from the terroristic elements of the anime nationalist movements. “We don’t believe that people should die over Chinese cartoons,” says Trump campaigner Godfrey Orkenheimer. “We love the Chinese and their cartoons, don’t get us wrong, we just don’t think people should be out taking hostages because of them. That’s not the way we do things in America. It’s weak. And we’re not weak!”

Ohayo Gozaimasu, a 19 year old Anime Nationalist, says that Richard doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “First, no self-respecting anime nationalist would watch Naruto or One Piece. They’re garbage. We want to make anime great again, to revitalize the industry so that every anime released matches Legends of the Galactic heroes in quality and substance. Western civilization will only be restored to greatness once anime has been restored to greatness. Second, there is no way that Trump supporters have bad taste in Anime. Every Trump voter I know loves Berserk and LotGH and Neon Genesis Evangelion, not goddamn Naruto.”

Ohayo says that the anime nationalist movement owes it’s entire existence to the Legend of the Galactic Heroes, a series about autocratic space Germans who wage a war of conquest against a corrupt democracy while simultaneously fending off a secretive cult of space Jews who use their economic might to manipulate foreign governments. “Legend of the Galactic Heroes is our Mein Kampf,” says Ohayo. “It forms the spiritual basis of our politics. As the series teaches us, while the worst democracy is better than the worst dictatorship, the best dictatorship is better than the best democracy. We want to create a totalitarian state because, if we succeed, it’ll usher in a new era for the human race, an era where everything is sugoi. If we fail, it’ll suck, but I think it’s worth the risk.”

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