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Tuesday February 23rd, 2016

The Alliance of Bourgeois English Music Critics has released a petition calling for the governments of the world to ban lyrics that they find offensive. “As English speaking University educated liberals, we have an obligation to impose our moral sensibilities on the rest of the world,” says ABEMC president John Wainright. “If we don’t police the morality of the plebes by choosing what cultural products they can consume, they’ll get unruly and begin challenging us on matters of social justice, which will lead to our losing control over them. We can’t allow that, and that’s why it’s time for governments to begin restricting free speech. If it offends a white English speaking progressive, it needs to be against the law.”

Liberal art graduates across the English speaking world agree. “God, I think it’s just terrible that some people listen to music that has lyrics I find oppressive,” says Cindy Goering, the daughter of a business man who owns several fast food restaurants in Brookyln. “As an affluent University graduate from New York City, I think it’s completely unacceptable that people who don’t share my politics are writing lyrics that mock my beliefs. Us privileged progressives form the moral centre of the Universe. Everything that doesn’t revolve around us needs to be crushed and destroyed.”

John agrees. “University educated liberals have been quite successful in colonizing popular culture over the last fifteen years,” says John. “We’ve succeeded in marginalizing voices that challenge our self-serving anglocentric conceptions of social justice, but it’s time for us to go even further now. We need to criminalize dissent. We need to make it physically dangerous for people to challenge our politics. In order for us to create a world where everyone is subservient to the interests of urbanite progressive anglophones, we need to use the power of the state to punish our detractors. The working class, unfortunately, still hasn’t gotten around to mindlessly obeying us, and that is simply intolerable. They need to get with the program. Our petition to ban musical lyrics we find offensive is just one more push to help make that happen. It’s not enough, but we’re doing our part, and I hope all the other bourgeois University graduates will do theirs. Remember, working class scum: if you disagree with an English speaking liberal about anything, you deserve to die! We don’t have the power to kill you yet, but one day we will. So just agree with us now so we don’t have to hang you from a lamp post later."
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