Hamish Dorée, the owner of Montreal’s famed clothing retailer Les Gros Beau Vestes, has publicly admitted that his twenty year heroin addiction is the reason behind his business success. “Heroin has a really bad reputation,” says Hamish, “but if you use it responsibly, you can easily double your work productivity. The reason that my business has done so well was that heroin enabled me to push through when things were getting hard to handle.”

The successful retailer says that whenever life threw him a curve ball, he’d curl up with an eight ball of heroin and everything would be right with the world again. “Running a business is very hard. It’s a tremendous responsibility that involves the livelihood of your employees and the wellbeing of their families,” says Hamish. “A lot of business owners buckle under that pressure. I never had to worry about that, though, because whenever I got stressed out, I just pulled out a spoon and a needle and chased the dragon for a bit. When you get high on heroin, it’s like you press the reset button on your stress levels. This frees you up emotionally to refocus on your business.”

Hamish doesn’t understand why more business owners aren’t getting high on heroin. “I think MBA programs should teach all their students about the benefits of taking heroin,” says Hamish. “If all the CEOs in America had a heroin habit, we never would have suffered through the recession of 2008. Bernie Sanders should add a plank to his platform that promises to forcefully inject all CEOs with heroin on a daily basis. That’s what America needs right now. More heroin for business leaders will lead to a healthier, more equitable economy that everyone benefits from. Just ask my employees! I’m a good boss because I’m a high boss.”