Scientists at McGale University have released a shocking study that confirms something most people have long suspected: listening to EDM can make you retarded -- or mentally unique, depending on which side of the culture war you’re on. “We prefer the term mentally unique,” says lead researcher Dr. Gill Williams. “Retarded is an ableist slur that minimizes the lived experiences of a community that has been marginalized by the cis-normative patriarchal working class that rules over our society with an iron fist. That said, yes, it does appear that EDM alters people’s brain structure in a way that makes them mentally unique so that they no longer fit into the straight jacket of normative behaviour expected of us. The more EDM you listen to, the more special you become. And that’s great, because our society needs more diversity. We need everyone to become more mentally unique.”

Not everyone considers this is a good thing. “First off, mentally unique is a euphemism for retarded,” says Jack Calice, president of the The Academy Delenda Est Foundation. “Now, I value scientists who engage in research that illuminate the ways popular culture is turning us into mouth breathing, knuckle dragging degenerates. Dr. Williams has performed an invaluable service to mankind by showing that techno music turns people into retards. However, I take umbrage at the way she sugar coats mental retardation and tries to spin it as something desirable. It’s okay to have normative preferences in society, it’s okay to want to establish baselines of mental health in our communities. It’s okay to say that something is normal. This entire fetishization of the fringe and marginalized is going to lead to the breakdown of civil society and the rise of violence on a massive social scale. You can’t have social cohesion without having goddamn norms that people share. Stop trying to make the fringes the centre of society, because eventually society will break into pieces and all the privileged blue blooded retards who work in our Universities and staff our bureaucracies will realize that human nature is, at it’s core, capable of incredible brutality and violence. We need norms because they stop us from killing each other. Get rid of norms, and eventually, we’ll get back to doing what we do best, which is watering the earth with each other’s blood. Norms suck on people who break them. That’s a fact. Are norms fair to people who fall on the wrong side of those norms? No, they’re not. Guess what, life isn’t fucking fair. None of us asked to be born. We were all thrown into the future without our consent, given strength and weaknesses we had no hand in choosing. Life is suffering. It’s a few brief decades of pain and misery and anxiety followed by eternal darkness. Our generation in the West has managed to escape the utter brutality that has shaped most human beings for most of recorded history. This peace will not last because the people who now control our society have lost sight of human nature’s dark side. Dr. Williams is a symptom of this trend. Instead of simply owning the fact that being retarded sucks ass, she wants us to pretend that it’s a good thing. It’s not. It’s a kick in the teeth in a world that’s always kicking people in the teeth. Stop celebrating weakness and labelling them strengths. Or don’t. I don’t care. When society starts collapsing all around you and the hoards start raping and pillaging everything, you’ll deserve it. If listening to techno retards your intellectual capacities, it’s okay to say it makes you retarded. ”

Dr. Williams disagrees. “Human beings are inherently good, it’s only culture that turns us to violence and depravity,” says Dr. Williams. “The language we choose to use determines how people in our society relate to each other. We need to erase the margins in society so that everyone feels included and cared for -- the idea that there needs to be fringes that exclude people in order for society to remain cohesive is nonsense. Our study on how techno causes people to become mentally unique has now become part of a larger conversation on ableism and marginalization. In this way, I am glad that troglodytes like Jack Calice are speaking out, as it allows us to shine a spotlight on his hatred. We, as a society, have a long way to go before everyone feels welcome and embraced.”