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Friday February 12th, 2016

Montreal has settled on plans to install tens of thousands of outdoor stripping poles in celebration of the city’s 375th anniversary. “After consulting with members of the public over the course of the last three years, we realized that people were clamouring to make Montreal an even sexier city than it already is,” says Mayor Donald Conair, “that’s why we’re excited to announce our plan to blanket the city’s sidewalks with stripper poles. No matter where you are in Montreal, you’ll never be too far from an opportunity to strut your stuff in public. We’re going to turn the entire city into the world’s largest strip club.”

Mayor Conair says that the city won’t stop at installing stripper poles. “We’ve created a $250 million dollar plan that we believe will incentivize public lewdness,” says the mayor. “We’re going to be installing public sound systems every few blocks that will kindly remind citizens that they’re not only allowed to get naked in public, they’re encouraged to. Not only that, but we’ll be creating a yearly contest that will award a million dollar’s to the city’s best outdoor stripper.”

The city’s plan to make public nudity more common will bolster Montreal’s reputation as a degenerate cesspool of sex, drugs, and rock and roll say critics. “Honestly, we need to turn Montreal around, to reconnect it with it’s Christian roots and remind people that there’s more to life than wanton sexual excess,” says Rev. Choquette Famnue. “We need to resacralize the public sphere instead of promoting a culture of vice that dehumanizes everyone, turning us into slabs of meat who dance for the public’s approval. We don’t need more stripping poles, we need more spirituality.”

Mayor Conair disagrees. “I find stripping to be a very spiritual experience, and the vast majority of Montrealers agree with me. Bring on the naked ladies! And men! And non-binary people! Nudity for one and nudity for all, that should be our city’s motto.”
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