The story that follows will trigger anyone with an ounce of empathy. There’s no end to the utter depravity that the human race is capable of, as evidenced by the existence of the rape race cave rave that police in Montana raided over the weekend, where officers valiantly freed over a hundred men and women from a horrid fate at the hands of depraved rave promoters.

These dastardly promoters had lured their victims to a dark cave in Montana’s central park, where they were then trapped and subjected to an assortment of sexual cruelty. “The promoters dubbed the event the Rape Race Cave Rave,” says Sgt. Don Hilkins of the Montana Police Department. “They basically organized a race to see how many ravers they could rape over the course of a night. Men, women, it didn’t matter. Their goal was to brutalize their guests like villains from a low rent horror movie.”

The police only caught wind of the event after they found a flyer for the cave rave in a parking lot in downtown Montana. “The guests are lucky that we take illegal raves seriously,” says Sgt. Hilkins. “If we had ignored the party instead of raiding it, who knows what those promoters would have done to their victims once they were through with them. There’s a reason people shouldn’t go to illegal parties, and it’s because you never know if they’ll turn out to be rape race raves. If you don’t want to be a victim of rape race rave, don’t go to illegal parties. The police won’t always be there to save you.”