Joe Demarco, New York City’s rambunctious liberal mayor, is receiving plaudits from around the world after he told the raver community to get its act in order. “Ravers are a disgrace!,” said the mayor on a Sunday morning talk show. “They have bad taste in music and they should feel bad about that. Instead of listening to classical music or hip hop or something with real cultural value, they choose to listen to a bunch of monotonous robot farts. That’s what techno is. Robot farts.”

The comments were well received by the people of New York, who have grown increasingly tired of the drug addled antics of the city’s rave community. “We’re just sick and tired of ravers,” says Manhattan butcher Thomas Wayne. “They don’t add any value to the city. Not only that, but they chase away real artists who contribute to our culture with their loud repetitive music. I’m happy our mayor is finally picking a fight with them. The ravers have gotten away with their crap for far too long. We need to chase them out of our city.”

Ravers, for their part, are baffled by the mayor’s hostility. “I think some natty haired psytrance lover must have pissed in his cornflakes,” says New York’s DJ Clopclop. “I mean, his anti-raver rant came out of nowhere. I don’t think anyone should trust a mayor who’s that passionate about people who listen to techno. His priorities are a mess.”