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Wednesday September 30th, 2015

The World Brony Community has petitioned the U.N Human Rights Council for special protection. “We are an oppressed minority,” says Brad Snugglesworth, a 24 year old autistic man who is obsessed with Twilight Sparkle. “There is an organized campaign to deprive usbronies of our god given right to be insufferably weird, socially challenged creeps. We may have a toxic infatuation with my little pony, but we’re also human beings, and as human beings, we possess a basic fundamental dignity that is inviolable. Just because we are fascinated by a cartoon meant for prepubescent girls doesn’t mean we’re second class citizens."

U.N HRC commissioner Jones Kwalebi disagrees. “Look, I think we’ve really gone overboard with this egalitarianism thing,” says Jones. “I think everyone can agree that equality has certain functional limitations. Yes, we shouldn’t discriminate against people because of their race or their gender or who they like filling their holes. For the most part, I think we should treat people on a case by case basis. However, bronies? Their entire identity revolves around their love of a cartoon created to capitalize on a popular 1980s toy line. These people are pathetic. Hell, most fandoms are pathetic. If a big chunk of your life revolves around a TV show or a comic book or a video game, and you’re not the person who created it, you deserve to be discriminated against. You’re a creepy weird idiot that deserves to be stuffed into a cannon and launched into a volcano. And you can quote me on that, it is now official U.N policy that bronies deserve to be launched into a volcano. So do Whovians, Beliebers, Trekkies, Twighlighters, and every other ridiculous consumer movement. You’re all morons and no one likes you."

Rural people are happy that the U.N has denied the Brony petition for protection. “The people who identify with fictional characters from shitty television shows are the same people who often make fun of those of us who are god fearing Christians,” says Rev. Hopper of the Church Of The One Direction. “It’s incredible that people who are obsessed with Daleks and cartoon ponies think that they have the moral high ground when arguing with people who spend their lives investigating the deeper mysteries of life as revealed in religious holy works. Oh, sure, believing in god is stupid, but getting upset when people don’t respect you for being obsessed with a pink cartoon pony isn’t? We’ve raised a generation of crazy, whiney bitches."
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