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Tuesday September 29th, 2015

Breaking up isn’t what it used to be, and thanks to the advent of social media, it’s evolved into a horrifying monstrosity. Young millennials are capitalizing on advances in technology to make saying goodbye to their former lovers as insulting and hurtful as possible. Nothing embodies this terrible trend as much as the rise of Break Up Party, the evil sociopathic twin of the surprise party.

Imagine if your boyfriend or girlfriend threw you a surprise party, except instead of inviting all your friends over to celebrate how wonderful you are, they had invited all their friends over to witness your humiliation as they broke up with you. If that doesn’t sound awful enough, many break up parties are live streamed over the internet. Strangers you’ve never met can gawk at you as you’re ritualistically humiliated by a room full of people.

“The very existence of the break-up party suggests that something dangerous is happening to Western civilization,” says ethicist Hernanda Bonanza. “We are witnessing the complete break down of social decency. Cruelty is being elevated into an art form, maliciousness is being celebrated. Everywhere, people are rewarded for being shit slinging monsters. Western civilization is gasping its last breaths, and the break-up party epitomizes the descent of a once mighty culture.”

Break-Up Parties have already claimed a dozen lives, as its victims, struggling with the concentrated hatred of their peers, choose to commit suicide instead of fighting back.

“I don’t think Break-Up Parties are a bad thing,” says 19 year old Sherryl King. “I think they’re an excellent way of weeding out genetically inferior human beings. If you’re not strong enough to survive the humiliation of your ex-lover getting all his or her friends to laugh at you as he or she breaks up with you, you deserve to die. That’s just a fact. Some people think Break-Up Parties represent the end of Western civilization, but I think we’re just leveling up as a society. We’re making people grow thicker skins by subjecting them to public humiliation on an increasingly frequent basis. If there’s one lesson I learned from school, it’s that the only way to fix society is by getting all your friends to insult and humiliate the people you don’t like. Why should our exes be spared our wrath?"
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