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Friday September 25th, 2015

Bourgeois journalists are celebrating the latest teenage fad: dying armpit hair bright fluorescent colours. “The next big civil rights fight is armpit hair grooming,” says Montreal beautician Laticia Bonham-Carter. “Many middle and upper class people in their thirties and forties have piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair colour. These fashion statements are no longer acts of rebellion, but symbols of the status quo. Teenagers have decided to differentiate themselves from the neotenous adults who spawned them by embracing radical armpit grooming. It’s not just an act of fashion, but a revolutionary commitment to overthrowing western civilization."

Experts on bourgeois fashion believe that armpit hair is the last remaining part of the human body that hasn’t been colonized by neoliberal capitalism. “Bourgeois feminists recognize recognize that when a woman shaves her armpits, she’s submitting to our awful male dominated society,” says fashion blogger Eustace Gravy. “The only way we’ll ever liberate ourselves from the terror of male domination is if young women mindlessly follow the trends and ideas started by bourgeois white women with liberal art degrees. Our salvation is in the hands of our intellectual betters, and our intellectual betters are telling us that it’s time for us to dye our armpit hair pink and get it braided. Only by turning the bush beneath our arms into temples of revolutionary armpit art can we ever hope to build a Utopian civilization where all the white men have been murdered and patriarchy has finally been laid to rest."

Teenagers agree. “Growing out your armpit hair is the symbolic equivalent of blowing up the white house,” says 16 year old Michelle Eleganza, “and I am all about smashing the powers that be. That’s why I’ve dyed my armpit hair purple. By dying my armpit hair a neon colour, I am distancing myself from patriarchal and capitalist forms of oppression. I am letting the world know that I have a Tumblr account, that I subscribe to Vice magazine, that I am one with the ways of Vox Media. I have liberated me from my materialist prison! All glory to the patriarchy smashing power of glow in the dark armpits! Intersectionality akbar! Feminism for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!"

Despite the growing popularity of ridiculous armpit hair, working class people have yet to latch on to the trend. “Wealthy white people with university degrees are stupid,” says Joe Farmer, a plumber from St-Leonard. “They spend all their time obsessing over bullshit. No one cares about the colour of your armpit hair, ladies. We do, however, care about the way you demonize working class men while erasing our struggles and experiences. You think you’re smashing the patriarchy, when really, you’re just antagonizing the working class. We’ll eventually rise up and enslave every last one of you bourgeois liberal art graduates. You think you’re on the right side of history. You’re wrong. See you at the barricades."
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