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Wednesday September 23rd, 2015

Yuppies have fallen in love with gluten free marijuana. The strands inventor, street hustler Hans Grüber, got the idea after seeing how yuppies love wasting their money on bullshit.

“I was walking by this natural food store when I overheard this 34 year old hipster woman talk about how she had just bought some gluten-free dish soap,” says Hans. “The moment those words escape her lips, I realized I could make a fortune by creating a gluten-free product that would appeal to snobby, health-conscious urban idiots. I went home and got to work."

Hans had a Chinese factory manufacture thousands of customized dime bags, each of them with the words ‘gluten-free’ printed on them. “After I received my one-of-a-kind dime bags, I filled them with regular marijuana. Here’s the kicker though, since the dime bags had the words gluten-free on them, I was able to sell my plain-old-pot for 4 times the price. That’s the magic of marketing!"

Despite the fact that gluten-free marijuana is identical to regular strands of marijuana, yuppies insist that they’re different. “The words gluten-free are magical,” says 32 year old VICE magazine enthusiast Jennifer Klimt. “The words are a kind of enchantment, a spell that transforms common-place objects into high class, luxury items. We’re not spending the extra money because the marijuana is better, we’re spending the extra money because it helps us advertise to the world that we’re a better class of human being."

Hans says he doesn’t care why yuppies are stupid enough to buy his gluten free marijuana. “Look, I don’t know why they do it, I don’t care, I just like the fact that they’re giving me all this extra money. I love gluten free products!"
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