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Tuesday September 22nd, 2015

Will Quebec outlaw being sober in 2016? That’s the question countless politicians are asking themselves after the shocking success of Montreal’s Vodka-Shots-For-Bus-Drivers initiative. The once controversial initiative mandated that all bus drivers get drunk on vodka at the start of their shifts. Jessica Lansburry, the initiative’s brainchild, said she wasn’t surprised at how fast her idea bore fruit. “Worker productivity doubled across the island within a week of our drunk bus driver initiative,” says Jessica. “Tax revenue increased by 50%. City coffers are now overflowing with money."

No one’s sure why drunk bus drivers have been such a boon for the city, but few people are complaining. “If drunk bus drivers have done this much for the city, what would happen if everyone was drunk all year round?” asks Montreal mayor Roger Mulcair. “That’s why I believe Quebec should pass a law that makes being sober illegal. Everyone should be drunk, every day, all day long. The drunker the better!"

Alcohologist Andy Scheffer says that making sobriety a crime could be the one thing that can turn Western civilization around. “We’re a society in decline,” says Andy. “And I think drinking ourselves stupid could really help turn that around. We’ve already seen how drunk driving has secondary economic benefits. The economics behind that are a bit of a mystery, but the results are there for everyone to see. Drunk drivers have made Montreal an economic power house, and drunk citizens can do the same thing for Quebec, for Canada, for the entire Western world. Quebec needs to lead the way out of the darkness, one bottle of liquor at a time."

Prime Minister Jean Cabaret says that his government is looking into the possibility of outlawing sobriety. “It’s not a light decision to take,” says PM Cabaret. “We’re going to look into it, we’ll have some studies conducted, and then we’ll act on what the findings are. If sobriety is bad for the economy, than there’s a good chance we’ll have to say no to being sober. If that’s the price of progress, I think the people of Quebec are willing to pay it."
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