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Friday September 4th, 2015

The Grey Tooth Clan, a gang of ferocious octogenarians, has declared war on ravers and has vowed to hunt down every last raver in Montreal. “This summer, the streets of our city will flow with the blood of the young,” says Ednith Wainright, the 84 years old spokeswoman for the Grey Tooth Clan. “We will not rest until we have beaten some musical taste into our progeny. The days of beep-hoop-bop music parties are over. We want melodies and we want them now!"

Ravers say they’re running scared now that the elderly have declared war on them. “The last party I played at, a dozen raging grannies showed up and started pelting everyone with rocks and broken shards of glass,” says DJ Tesjeune. “I’m scared that they’re aggression will escalate. Today, it’s rocks and glass, tomorrow though? What’s stopping them from gunning us down with AK-47s?"

Ednith is happy that her gang is filling the hearts of party goers with fear. “I want them to remember the day they bought their first MP3 from iTunes,” says Ednith. “I want them to regret the first time they danced to Skrillex. I want them to live their lives knowing that their taste in music means they will never know safety. We may be old, but we will rock and roll all over their delicate young asses."

The police say they won’t interfere in this musical turf war. “Every decade or two, musical scenes in Montreal wage all out war against each other,” says Sgt. Bertrand Russell of the SPVM. “Ten years ago, it was the Swing Dancers versus the Banjo Enthusiasts. This time around, it’s the Golden Oldies versus the Party Freaks. Sure, a few people will die, but so long as the violence doesn’t affect the lives of normal, well adjusted Montrealers, we don’t really care."

DJ Tesjeune is angry that the police won’t put a stop to the Grey Tooth Clan. “It’s obvious that the police are hoping that these elderly barbarians will kill as many ravers as they can,” says DJ Tesjeune. “The police want us to disappear from Montreal, but they don’t have the balls to kill us themselves, so they’re just going to let these old folks do it for them. Well, ravers never say die. We’ll fight back and we’ll win. The rave wars are here and we don’t plan on losing. Techno über alles.
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