The paediatric world is in turmoil over a controversial new parenting technique that’s pitting doctor against doctor: is raving good for children? On the one hand, studies have been piling up advocating the health benefits of EDM Parenting Techniques, on the other hand are old school doctors who claim that the science behind the studies is bogus.

“EDM Parenting Techniques pose a real threat to the health and wellbeing of children,” says Dr. Kyle Renner. “The techniques, if you can even call them that, are beyond the pale. They basically encourage nine year olds to drop LSD and dance to Skrillex. What does that have to do with parenting?"

Everything, claims EDM Parenting Techniques enthusiasts. “In the late 1990s, my friends and I developed a whole set of practices that made raving kid friendly,” says EDM Parenting Techniques founder Lucy Lumine. “We were so happy to see how well our children responded to the raving lifestyle."

In the late 1990s, countless young women were knocked up during drug fuelled encounters with fun fur wearing men. These women struggled with parenthood. They wanted to rave to the grave, but they didn’t want to be bad mothers, either. That’s when they made a compromise: they’d raise their babies to be ravers.

Scientists were intrigued by rumours of the EDM Parenting Techniques success, and began studying Lumine’s methods in earnest. “We thought that giving toddler’s cocaine and encouraging them to dance all night would be bad for them,” says child psychologist Erik Berrington, “but our studies showed the opposite. Cocaine and all-night dance parties aren’t bad for children, they’re good for them. Really, really good. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that not bringing your kid to a rave is a form of child abuse. It’s on par with not feeding them. Kids need hard drugs and loud music in order to grow into healthy, well adjusted adults."

Dr. Renner disagrees. “I swear, our Universities are increasingly worthless. If Mr. Berrington has a Ph.D, that tells us something about how credible Ph.Ds are. I hope parents are smart enough to realize that not all scientists are created equally. Some of them are frauds and if you follow their advice, you’ll live to regret it."