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Wednesday October 28th, 2015

Montreal police are asking the city’s event promoters to be extra careful after the notorious Yolo Killer, posted a threatening video to youtube, warning that he would eat and devour anyone who dared organize a rave on the island. “Given the Yolo Killer’s murderous track record, we believe that his threat is credible. Event organizers should be extra cautious in the weeks and months ahead. If they see a man in a yellow track suit chasing after them with a pick axe, they should call the police."

The Yolo Killer has terrorized Montreal for the last five years, killing obnoxious young adults across the city. “In the past, he exclusively targeted people under 25 who ran around screaming yolo in public,” says Montreal detective Regent Rasputin. “Now that he’s evaded capture for so long, he’s become bolder and has broadened his reign of terror to include anyone involved in the city’s nightlife."

Regent believes that he’s targeting event organizers because he blames them for the wanton degeneracy of the yolo generation. “He thinks he can purify Montreal of degenerate party goers by murdering all the event organizers,” says Regent. “He’s right, but that doesn’t mean that he should go ahead and do it. If he wants to clean up the city, he should do it legally by getting elected and ordering the police to beat up event organizers. That’s the lawful way of dealing with trash."

Event organizers say that they’re not worried bout the Yolo killer. “Hey man, I don’t care if yellow track suit wearing psychopath plants a pick axe in my brain,” says event organizer Giles Brown. “You only live once, you know? I’d rather focus on how I live my life than worry about how I’ll die. Pick axe to the brain at 32, heart attack at 54, brain cancer at 83. What difference does it make? Death comes for all of us, so why fret about it."
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