Doctors are warning men to avoid looking at women with pixie girl haircuts. “Men may not realize this, but the pixie girl haircut has anti-patriarchal powers that give men heart attacks and violent seizures if they’re exposed to them for an extended period of time,” says Dr. Glen Glennerglinn. “Every day, men die of pixie girl haircut instigated illnesses. Thanks to the growing popularity of this feminist haircut, hundreds of thousands of men across America and Europe have died."

Feminists have long known about the anti-patriarchal properties of the pixie girl haircut. Laurie Pennyworth, writing for Newslamp magazine, clearly laid out some simple facts: “Feminism will conquer the patriarchy only after women cut off their hair. Our hair contains magical powers that weaken us the longer it gets. Women are, effectively, like a reverse version of Samson, the biblical character whose hair gave him superpowers. In the case of women, though, our hair makes us powerless before patriarchy, and only by cutting off our locks can we assert our god given rights to kick ass and kill men!"

Henry Crudendorf, the current president of The Patriarchy, says he’s deeply concerned about the modern rise female hair related empowerment. “The Patriarchy has spent centuries hiding the power of female hair from women, carefully building a culture of ignorance around their mane relate strength. Thanks to the rise of gender studies, bourgeois academics are now smashing a conspiracy that has lasted for millennia,” says Henry. “This is a disaster for the human race. The pixie girl haircut poses an existential threat to the power of the patriarchy. And that should concern everyone, because if the patriarchy stops controlling the world, it will create a power vacuum that will lead to an all out war between our closest competitors: jews and lizard aliens from the lower ninth dimension. Feminists can smash the patriarchy, but how will they deal with the worldwide jewish conspiracy and the worldwide transdimensional lizard alien conspiracy? Patriarchy keeps both of those forces in check. Feminists are like the American’s who overthrew Libya and Iraq’s government — they have no appreciation of the shit storm they’ll unleash on to the world by overthrowing us. I hope they like being slaves to alien lizards and zionist bankers!"

Feminists, for their part, remain undeterred. “First we’ll kill the patriarchy with our fabulous pixie girl haircuts, and after that, we’ll deal with the jews and the lizard people."