Political strategics across Europe have united behind a controversial strategy to deal with the Syrian refugee crisis: they’re going to open up thousands of clubs near their borders, which the refugees will be forced to attend before being granted passage into Europe. “We believe that if Syrians are exposed to EDM and European club culture, they’ll decide to return home,” says John Wilkinson, an analyst with the Coudenhove Kalergi Institute for European Integrity. “Club culture is so degenerate, no one in their right mind would want to be exposed to it. In a way, clubbing is a kind of refugee repellant. It shows them that Europe is a cess pool of immorality that will poison their souls and damn them to hell."

Many refugees agree. “I was really looking forward to starting over in Germany,” says Syrian John Smith, “but after I was forced to dance to EDM at one of their European clubs, I realized there was no way I would ever want to live in Europe. Those people are savage barbarians whose souls have been thoroughly ruined by materialism. European culture is a culture of whores and greed, of lust and money. Europeans are so busy nurturing their bodies that they neglected their souls, which have withered away and died. There’s nothing sacred left in Europe. It’s a land of pure materialism. I’d rather live in Syria, where people are still aware of the divine. Better to live in a country where life and limb are always at risk than in a country where your soul is constantly at risk."

European clubbers are baffled by the fact that their way of life is being used to repel refugees. “Fun, fun, fun is number one!” says 24 year old cocaine addict Hank Simpson. “Why would anyone be disgusted by a life of pure debauchery? Life is meaningless, there’s no such thing as god, and one day our brief and pointless existences will be snuffed out, our consciousness replaced with eternal emptiness. In the face of these cruel realities, doesn’t it make sense to spend all our times gratifying our fleeting physical urges? Who needs the sacred when you have cocaine and pussy? Fuck bitches, snort coke, dance to EDM. That’s the good life. If the refugees find that abhorrent, than they’re crazy weirdos and Europe is better off without them. If they move here, they need to embrace our rampant nihilism and materialistic lifestyle. Hail Satan!"