Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Monday October 19th, 2015

A new study by The North American Center of Party Sciences reveals that 85% of teenage ravers grow up to be homeless vagabonds. “Most homeless people are former ravers,” says lead researcher Artie Shaw. “I’d go so far as saying that society doesn’t have a homeless people problem, it has a homeless raver problem."

Artie says that his study doesn’t explain why the vast majority of ravers go on to become homeless. “It’s a huge mystery to us,” says Artie. “We need to do a lot more research on this issue. It’s very odd. Is it the music that predisposes people to a life of a homeless vagabond? Is it the drugs? Is it the self-destructive culture that surrounds the party scene? Right now, we can’t say for sure, but we imagine it’s a mixture of the three."

Teenage ravers who are confronted with the prospect of becoming homeless vagabonds say that they have no regrets. “If dancing to techno at 4am today means that i’ll become a homeless crazy person ten years from now, then that’s a price I can live with,” says 17 year old ketamine addict Hillary Sanders. “The future is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is the here and now. I want to spend my nights pumping my body full of fun chemicals and then shaking my ass like salt and peppers will fall out of it. I want to dance, I want to get high, I want to feel like the world is on fire and i’m at the heart of the flames."

Most homeless vagabonds say that raving was worth it. “I used to be a full time raver, but today I’m a self-destructive wreck incapable of holding down a job or stringing together two sentences without getting distracted, and that’s okay” says vagrant Johnny Five. “God I love masturbating. What were we talking about?"

Artie hopes that his study will help convince teenagers that raving isn’t worth the cost. “You don’t want to sacrifice a few years of pleasure for decades of misery,” says Artie. “Instead of raving, why not go to church and read the bible?"
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News