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Monday October 12th, 2015
WHY DO CONSERVATIVES LOVE DUBSTEP?



EDM has long been considered a progressive stronghold, a music genre that was mainly dominated by young people who identified with liberal values. The rise of dubstep has challenged that view, due to its overwhelming popularity with old white men. “Dubstep is the most popular music genre among rich old white politicians,” says musicologist Donald Prestlin. “If you run a bank, or you’re a lawyer, or you spend your days trying to find new ways to oppress women or are hell bent on stripping them of their reproductive rights, chances are you love dubstep."

What makes dubstep so popular with old white men? “It’s a bit of a mystery,” says Earl Ruthford, the CEO of Patriarchal Solutions & Logistics. “I don’t know why I’m drawn to dubstep, but I do know there’s something about the music that really resonates with me. When I hear a dubstep song, it’s like my soul is screaming out at me, saying ‘It’s time to marginalize minorities and disenfranchise women!’. I can’t quite explain it. It’s like the music draws out my inner desire to oppress and destroy the little people. It makes me feel like i’m Godzilla, and I have to stomp and devour all the weak little creatures beneath my scaly feet."

Many EDM fans agree. “God, dubstep attracts power hungry weirdos,” says party promoter Cleveland Davis. “I used to throw parties, and I had to stop hiring dubstep DJs, because they’d always attract geriatric bankers and lawyers and politicians. No one wants to dance with the patriarchy, and that’s what dubstep attracts. It’s the music of the ruling class, and I think EDM is at its best when its counter cultural, when it says power to the people, not to the pigs."

Earl says it doesn’t matter if small time promoters stop playing dubstep, because dubstep fans rule society. “All the best clubs play dubstep, because we own them,” says Earl. “Dubstep is the music of power. Let the little people listen to their psytrance and their hardcore. The rich, the mighty, and the conservative will listen to dubstep. Dubstep uber alles!"
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