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Thursday October 8th, 2015
MAN DROPS ACID IN MONTREAL, WAKES UP LEADING SYRIAN REBEL ARMY



Ian Gauthier, a 24 year old welder from Mile End, says he’ll never take LSD again after his last drug trip left him stranded in Syria. “I dropped six tabs of acid on Friday night, and then next thing I know, I’m in Syria leading a small rebel army against the government of Bashar Al-Assad. LSD, not even once."

Ian said he was scared out of his mind. “I don’t remember how I went from partying in Montreal to being part of a rebel army. Blackouts are always scary, but this wasn’t a normal blackout. This was a blackout on steroids. I am mystified. My grip on reality has been fundamentally shaken. I can not, for the life of me, imagine any plausible chain of events that would end with me in Syria with an AK-47 in my hands, and soldiers under my command. That happened in less than 48 hours. How is that even possible?"

Ian’s friends are sure how he wound up in Syria. “I was with Ian friday night,” says his best friend Paul Rudd. “We both dropped acid together, then he told me he felt like getting a hamburger at La Belle Salope. He said he’d be right back, and I never saw him again that night."

Carly Simona, Ian’s ex-girlfriend, said she bumped into him while he was hunting for hamburgers. “He looked a little out of it and he was obviously high on drugs. He waved at me on the street, told me he was craving cow meat, then started running like a mad man toward’s La Belle Salope, all while yelling at the sky. Typical LSD freak out stuff."

Employees at La Belle Salope say that Ian never came to their restaurant. “We’ve never seen that man before,” says waitress Betty Grossein. “So whatever happened to him, happened before he reached our restaurant."

The mystery surrounding Ian’s trek to Syria is driving him slowly insane. “It just doesn’t make any sense. Maybe LSD gave me the power to teleport? But that still wouldn’t explain how I ended up leading a small army. Maybe LSD is just the drug we take when God decides to bend the laws of time and space. There’s no causal explanation to what happened, because there’s no actual causality. Everything in life is random. Maybe that’s it?"

Paul Rudd says that the world is a truly mysterious place. “You know, you think life makes sense, and then one day your friend disappears for hamburgers and inexplicably becomes a rebel leader in Syria,” says Paul Rudd. “Reality is weird, man. It’s really weird."
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