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Wednesday October 7th, 2015

The controversial Herpes Pride Movement has set-up shop in Montreal, and party goers have embraced it’s sore covered face. “It’s time for us to move on from archaic, backward STD shaming practices,” says Herpes Pride activist Henrietta Spanks. “Not only is there nothing wrong with having herpes, many people believe that not having herpes makes you a terrible human being."

Party goers agree. “Payback is a bitch,” says STD infested whore and feminist raconteur Leora Cairribe. “In the past, shamed us for having STDs, but now we’re going to shame healthy people for not having STDs. People who don’t have herpes should be ashamed of their health privileges. They should be ashamed of the way they oppress those of us who have embraced the imperfections of the human body."

Leora says that the Herpes Pride movement is waging war against cis-gendered hetero-normative caucasians. “When we see a straight white person who doesn’t have a STD, we yell at them until they get on their knees and admit that they’re ashamed to be alive. If they don’t do that, we rub our diseased genitalia all over their faces. Fuck cis-gendered hereto normative caucasians who don’t have STDs! Literally, because we need to give them our diseases."

Party goers have embraced this war on healthy genitalia. “Ugh, straight healthy people are boring,” says 19 year old Concordia student Lisa Crisdefolle. “Today’s teenagers realize that only stupid disgusting oppressive white people are STD-free. If you don’t have a disease like herpes or aids, you’re basically the enemy of freedom and deserve to be abolished."

Lisa says that it’s now easier to get a date in Montreal if you have an STD than if you don’t. “No one wants to date anyone who is STD free,” says Lisa. “We don’t want to party with them either. If they don’t want to give up their health privileges, than we don’t want to tolerate them and their oppression."

Many professors at Concordia are blown away at the success of the Herpes Pride movement. “Everyone know’s that privilege is bad,” says Professor Glinda Glindwell of the Concordia Illiberal Arts department, “and today’s teenagers are going out of their way to abandon their privileges by willingly becoming disease carrying whores. Our society is truly ascending dizzying heights of moral purity. "

Henrietta Spanks agrees. “The future belongs to those of us with herpes,” says Henrietta. “We’re done being oppressed. We’re going to abolish all you healthy, disease free scumbags by turning you into one of us. Intersectionality akbar!"
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