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Monday November 30th, 2015

Montreal’s DJ Vlad Hussein, a fixture of the city’s psytrance scene, was arrested over the weekend after he dropped tens of thousands of spiders on to party goers at Club Pitoune Fatale. “Everyone was running and screaming,” says club owner Andre Bolshevik. “It was horrible. Have you ever choked on a mouthful of hairy little spiders? Well, dozens of people have thanks to that loathsome man.”

The elaborate stunt took weeks of planning according to police, proof that even serial drug abusers are capable of accomplishing incredibly things when they put their minds to it. “Mr. Hussein built a dozen small computerized spider catapults,” says Lt. Louis Kent of the SPVM. “Each catapult was loaded with a box of spiders. The triggering mechanism, which he designed and programmed himself, was connected to the internet via the club’s wi-fi connection. Finally, the catapults were attached on to the lighting fixtures in the club. These weren’t massive catapults, they were small enough to fit on top of a lighting rig.”

DJ Vlad’s friends weren’t surprised by his arrest. “The guy’s a genius,” says childhood friend Velma Louise, “but he’s the kind of genius that’s stupid enough to waste his talent on bullshit like spider catapults. Sure, he could be making the world a better place. He could be figuring out new and innovative ways to help people. Instead, he builds a dozen remote controlled spider catapults and traumatizes hundreds of strangers. There’s a special kind of stupidity that only smart people are capable of possessing, and Vlad’s got it in spades. He’s the dumbest smart person you’ll ever meet.”

Mr. Bolshevik doesn’t know why his club was targeted by DJ Vlad. “I don’t know. We hired him a couple of times. He seemed like a nice enough guy. He was strange in the way that people who love psytrance are strange, but relatively harmless. More Shaggy Rogers than Lord Voldemort. Weird, but not scary. But I guess there was a seriously dark current running through his brain, and my customers paid the price for it.”

DJ Vlad, for his part, refuses to say why he launched his spider attack, though he did ramble on like a lunatic when asked. “Spiders, spiders, spiders! Everywhere! In your hair! On your chair! In your bed! In your head! Spiders in your mouth, and in your nose, spiders on your face and on your toes, ” says DJ Vlad. “Spiders falling from the sky. Spiders, spiders, spiders.”
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