Police arrested 23 year old McGill student Henry Gibbins this week after he was caught having sex with a garbage can on the corner of St-Catherine and Bleury. “His pants were around his ankle and his hips were violently thrusting the metal garbage bin,” says Lt. Casey Jones of the SPVM. “If you’ve never seen a men’s erect penis smash up against a garbage can, you should count yourself lucky. That’s an image that the people who witnessed this man’s intoxicated fortification will never scrub from their minds. When they go to bed late at night, their memories will sometime’s drift back to that sight.”

Witnesses agree. One of them, Laura Thibodault, says she now has PTSD as a result of the experience. “Everywhere I go, I’m reminded by what I saw last week,” says Laura. “When I eat breakfast, all I can think about is a man having sex with a garbage can. When I’m out walking my dog, I’m always terrified that I might bump into someone with their pants around their ankles, and their penis flapping in the air in search of a recycling bin or a mailbox or some other large metal object. My therapist put me on antidepressants to help deal with the trauma. I’ll never be the same.”

Henry, for his part, doesn’t see what the big deal is. “Sometimes, when I’m high on LSD, I fall in love with the world around me and just want to have sex with it,” says Henry. “Last week, I saw a really sexy garbage can that was just begging for the D, so I flirted with it and it told me how much it wanted my manhood inside of it, and I was happy to oblige. The people who freaked out are just bigots who don’t want to see people having sex with garbage cans. They discriminate against the inanimate. The fact that this kind of sexual intolerance still exists in our society really says something about how degenerate we are as a species.”