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Monday November 23rd, 2015

The United Nations has declared a new era of global harmony after Tumblr users solved racism. “Thanks to the effort of affluent upper class Tumblr users, the world has now entered a period of racial harmony built on a foundation of social justice” says Ban Ki Moon, current president of the U.N. “For years, Tumblr users, who are overwhelmingly affluent members of the middle and upper class, have valiantly fought against inequality by engaging in online histrionics, insulting their opponents, and acting like spoiled brats. Little did we know, but this behaviour was the absolute key to solving humanity’s long standing issues. Racism has been cured, and we have Tumblr to thank for it.”

Tumblr users say it’s about time the world fell in line with their politics. “Nothing defeats social injustice as readily as demonizing whites, insulting men, and laughing at cis-gendered people,” says radical feminist Lisa Moore. “Like most Tumblr users, I come from a wealthy background. My father’s a lawyer, I study at Yale, and I access Tumblr on my macbook pro, which I got as a christmas present. As a Tumblr user, I learned early on that wealth and class are unimportant issues that need to be minimized and marginalized. Only rich people with university degrees are capable of fighting real social injustice: things like wearing the wrong kind of halloween costume or enjoying problematic pop culture products. That’s the real heart of racism and inequality in our society.”

Lisa says that Tumblr’s social justice community’s decision to shift attention away from class toward’s issues of diversity in pop culture products produced by giant billion dollar corporations was the key to solving racism. “As an affluent progressive from Yale, I can clearly state that there is no link between class issues and race issues. The only way to tackle racism is by ignoring class. This is especially important when it comes to poor white people, who don’t matter and don’t count. There was a recent study released by researchers at Stanford that shows that poor whites in Detroit have lived more stressful lives than poor blacks in Detroit as measured by their cellular scars. This study suggests that race and class intersect in ways that are determined by local circumstances, and so we should look at the experiences of power and privileged on a case by case basis since the distribution of power isn’t uniform. As a tumblr user, I can say for certain that this study is bullshit. The fact is, power and privilege aren’t experienced locally, they’re experienced non-locally in ways that are determined by affluent university graduates who’ve read a few books by Bell Hooks and Ta Nehesi Coates.”

Lisa goes on to explain that racism, as a social force, is a social construct that can be redesigned by a powerful new social elite. “The way it works is like this: we know that race is a social construct, and that means so is racism, so the key to abolishing racism is to empower people who want to create a new social construct. Who better to obey than affluent Tumblr users with degrees in cultural studies from ivy league Universities? It’s so obvious, i’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. Anyways, now that rich kids from Tumblr have redefined racism to mean whatever we want it to mean, the world has become a paradise where everyone is treated equally, except white people, straight people, and cis-gendered people. Fuck those pieces of shit with a giant rusty nail. Yale forever! Harvard forever! Long live the academic elite and their moral superiority! Down with the working class!”
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