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Monday November 16th, 2015

Friends of Garth Beaner, a 38 year old man who is still obsessed with a party he went to all the way back in 1999, are asking the public to attend an intervention they’re throwing for him. “Garth is nearly a middle aged man at this point,” says long time friend Lisa Bunkersnutch, “and yet he still can’t shut up about a party he went to nearly two decades ago. It’s like time froze still for him, and so we’re asking the public to help us bring him back to the present. He needs to let go of the past.”

Garth thinks his friends are overreacting. “I’m not obsessed with Natura 1999, the best rave that was ever thrown in the history of mankind,” says Garth. “Sure, I love that party. Yes, i’ve got a little shrine in my living room dedicated to it. When I wake up in the morning, I say a little prayer to Natura. That doesn’t mean I’m obsessed. It’s just that, once you’ve been to the best party the world has ever seen, it’s important to honour it’s memory. There’s never going to be another party like it. It’s gone. Forever. So I’ve taken it upon myself to hold it’s memory alive by talking about it constantly to everyone I meet. That doesn’t make me obsessed, it just means I believe in something, and that something is a rave I went to when I was eighteen.”

Acquaintanes of Garth claim that he truly is incapable of shutting up about Natura. “Oh god, it’s the only thing he ever talks about,” says his co-worker Nancy Grace. “The moment he opens up his mouth, all he ever talks about is that goddamn party. He peaked when he was 18. Now he can’t move on. It’s always Natura this and Natura that. I hope his friends succeed in getting him to shut up about that damn party, otherwise i’m going to shove an ice pick in his eye and throw him off a cliff, and then once he hits the ground, I’m going to pour gasoline all over his corpse and set him on fire and roast little heart shaped marshmallow over him. Does that obsessive? Yeah, well, if you had to listen to your co-worker yammer on about a shitty rave from twenty years ago day in and day out, you’d get obsessed with ending his obsession too. Gah. I need a beer.”

Garth refuses to accept that his actions are abnormal. “People talk about the things they care about. For some people, that’s their kids, or their activism, or their favourite tv show. For me, it’s Natura 1999, the party where I experienced psytrance perfection. I’ll never shut up about perfection. No one who’s ever experienced it would. Being at Natura was like being in the presence of God.”
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