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Thursday November 12th, 2015

Next August, clubs across Montreal will begin accepting pokemon cards in place of ID, thanks to the Liberal party’s Pokemon Identity Act. Even though he’s barely been in office for more than a week, Prime Minister Trudeau has been on a warpath, quickly implementing policies that he hopes will resonate with teenagers and young adults. “At the end of the day, we just felt that young people would appreciate a new approach to how we deal with alcohol in our society,” says Helen Miroy, Canada’s Minister of Public Intoxication. “The fact is, ID cards are very dehumanizing. Instead of treating teenagers on a case by case basis, we simply assume that they’re all incapable of handling their liquor. That’s obviously not true. With the Pokemon Identity Act, teenagers will have the opportunity to prove their alcoholic worthiness by showing bouncers their pokemon card collection. If the bouncers are impressed, the teenagers will have permission to get drunk.”

Helen says that this new approach is more democratic and should be popular with both club owners, teenagers, and their communities. “We don’t believe that the government should be imposing blanket limits on alcohol consumption from the top down,” says Helen. “We live in a free society, and in a free society communities need to be empowered so that they can establish their own boundaries. It’s not up to Ottawa to tell people what’s acceptable and what isn’t acceptable. Pokemon cards are useful tools in creating boundaries of acceptability. Our act doesn’t dictate which pokemon cards are impressive, that’s up to the community. We’re letting people at the grassroots determine which pokemon cards teenagers should own before they’re allowed to get drunk. This idea is a bit outlandish, but the Trudeau Liberals believe in thinking outside the box.”

Teenagers say that they look forward to the Pokemon Identity Act going into law. “Man, if the only thing I need to do to get drunk on liquor is buy a couple of pokemon cards off Ebay, I’m all for it,” says 16 year old high school drop out Tracy Lynn. “I love Justin Trudea, I love pokemon, and I love beer! Canada’s fucking awesome!”
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