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Wednesday May 20th, 2015

Nearly three quarters of EDM fans have STDs say researchers at the Montreal Urban Disease Command And Control Centre.“We’ve been collecting data for the last five years,” says lead researcher Dr. Yoga Biddleson, “and the results are conclusive. An overwhelming majority of people who listen to EDM have at least one sexually transmitted disease. Most have several. The numbers are shocking. Aids, gonorrhoea, herpes, HPV, you name it, EDM lovers have it. Hell, our numbers suggest that syphilis now exclusively targets techno enthusiasts. Everyone in Montreal who has syphilis has been to a rave in the last twelve months."

Dr. Biddleson’s research is the first to prove a conclusive link between EDM and STD rates. “According to our research, someone who listens to techno is five times more likely to have an STD than a gay heroin addict who shares needles at a bareback orgy,” says Dr. Biddleson. “Techno enthusiasts are, effectively, the most disease ridden members of society. Someone who spent every waking hour of every single day shooting heroin while operating a glory hole in a dingy back alley in Mile End would still be a safer sexual partner than your typical raver."

No one knows why EDM and STDs go together like bread and butter. “The link doesn't exist for other music genres. STD rates and techno music are linked in ways that suggest there’s something special about it that makes people susceptible to getting an STD. We believe that techno music might weaken the human immune system” says Dr. Biddleson, “more research is needed before we can fully understand the relationship between the two, however. In the mean time, we ask that people be extra careful when having sex with anyone who has ever been to a Skrillex concert. If you’re on a date with someone, ask them if they listen to EDM before bringing them back home. If they say yes, please know that there’s a good chance that they’ll give you aids."
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