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Friday May 8th, 2015

Tumblr will rename itself DaddyIssu.Es in a bold new marketing move, claims an anonymous source within Yahoo, the site’s parent company. “We’ve been having a hard time monetizing Tumblr,” says the source. “After a lot of internal debate, we realized the key to making Tumblr profitable is by appealing to its largest demographic: mentally ill teenage girls who hate their fathers. Our new name will capitalize on the fact that our site dominates this target niche. No other service on the internet even comes close. If you’re a young woman who hates her dad, chances are, you’re on Tumblr."

The name change isn’t the only thing that DaddyIssu.Es will be rolling out. “Now that we know our site caters to damaged teenage girls and emotionally damaged young women, we’ll be offering a host of tools to help marketers better reach our audience."

Who’s Your Daddy, the name of DaddyIssu.Es new marketing engine, uses sophisticated temperament analysis to display marketing ads when users of the service are at their most emotionally vulnerable. “Most of our users are just one bad blog post away from having a total nervous breakdown,” says the source. “If you’ve ever been on Tumblr, you’ll notice that the site is basically an insane asylum for rich white women who can’t stop freaking out. Our new advertising platform capitalizes on their emotional instability. These people are desperately lost and unhappy, and we’ve figured out how to help marketers capitalize on their despair, turning their pain into your money."

Several Montreal promoters have had access to the Who’s Your Daddy marketing engine, which is currently still in beta. “Wow, just wow," says club owner Richie McGinnes. “I’ve tried Adwords, I’ve tried regular SEO, I’ve tried a whole lot of things, but nothing, and I mean nothing, has had the kind of success that my Who’s Your Daddy campaign has had. Targeting broken peopled is good for business. My club has been booming since I started placing adds on the site. When you sit down and think about it, clubbing is especially popular with people who hate themselves and their parents, so I should’t be surprised. But I am. The results are just that impressive."

The Yahoo source says he’s heartened by the good results. “Right now, we’re rolling out the marketing engine to more and more people,” says the source. “We’ve found that it works especially well with companies that offer services or products that appeal to those who have no self-respect."
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