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Monday March 23rd, 2015
HIPSTERS COMPLAIN AS MURDER PARTIES GO MAINSTREAM



Montreal hipsters are mourning the death of the indie scene after murder parties went mainstream over the weekend. The embracement by the hoi polloi of these iconic hipster events was prompted by Joss Whedon, who tweeted his approval after attending one of them last Friday.

“That sacrificial pit rave was the most fun I’ve had since filming Season 2 of Firefly.” - Joss Whedon

Shortly after Whedon’s tweet, news outlets around the world began to cover the existence of the once low key parties. The events have long been a source of pride for hipsters, who spend most of their free time and trust fund money figuring out new ways to distinguish themselves from the unwashed masses.

Like most terrible things, murder parties were created in Silicon Valley. "Years ago, hipsters in San Francisco realized how much fun it was to throw poor people down a sacrificial pit,” says hipsterologist Mike Cruise. “However the simple act of killing the poor left them feeling empty inside. They felt that run-of-the-mill murder didn’t reflect their rarefied moral sensibilities. So they got creative. Now they hire DJs to play avant-garde techno at their murder parties. They offer kombucha bars and all-you-can-eat kale buffets. They host cultural appropriation seminars, hire poi jugglers, and give out free native american headdresses to all their attendees. They also start each murder party with a self-appreciation ceremony, where they congratulate each other on being the first human beings in history to have achieved moral perfection. It ’s the kind of fun that only class privilege and stock options can buy.”

Murder parties may have started in San Francisco, but they didn’t stay there. “Every major Western city has, at the very least, a yearly sacrificial pit rave,” says Silicon Valley socialite Pluto Kradius. “If you’re born wealthy and you have a liberal arts degree, you’re simply better than every one else. That’s a fact. Murder parties are just one of the ways us blue bloods assert our moral superiority over the rest of society. We also like to create tumblr and twitter accounts as a way to show off our superior beliefs to the little people."

Now that the little people know about sacrificial pit raves, the end is nigh for the events. “Joss Whedon should have never posted that tweet,” says Pluto. “Now the rich and liberal no longer have a safe space where we can meet and talk about how much better we are than all the plebes who don’t know their Bell Hooks from their Jacques Derrida. Sacrificial pit raves will soon be flooded with common riffraff. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started sacrificing the rich at their bastardized poor people events. Just imagine that! It’ll be moral chaos, and the natural order of things will be turned upside down. I wish the poor would check their privilege and stop appropriating the culture of their social betters.”

Joss Whedon, for his part, has gone silent since his tweet. “I think he realized he messed up,” says Pluto. “He let the cat out of the murder bag.”

What do you think? Are hipsters really better than the rest of society? Should they continue throwing poor people down sacrificial pits? Do you really need a liberal arts degree and a ton of money to be a hipster? Let us know!
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