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Friday March 20th, 2015

Montreal progressives, inspired by Target Australia’s refusal to sell the successful game Grand Theft Auto V, are getting ready to clamp down on offensive art. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned while studying at Concordia it’s that art that offends me should be be illegal,” says trust fund kid Michelle Bradwick. “We still don’t live in a country where progressives have the power to censor art at will, and that needs to change. Right now, we might lack the legal authority to tell people what they can and can’t believe in, but we can still terrify artists into obeying us.”

Empowered by twitter, progressives in Montreal have started waging harassment campaigns against artists that don’t share their politics. “If you don’t share our beliefs, we’ll make sure that no art gallery carries your paintings, that no concert venue allows you to play shows, that no stores carry your creations whatever they might be,” says Michelle. “Artists need to understand that if they want to make a living, they need to agree with the political views of upper class liberal art grads. Fail to obey us, and we will ruin your life.”

Some people think the progressive left is starting to look a lot like the fascist right. “It just seems that the kind of politics they teach in University is crazy,” says Todd Perkins, a musician who used to busk in front of McGill Metro until liberal art graduates attacked him. “I was playing a song by the Beatles when this horde of angry liberal art students doused me in gasoline and lit me up. They were screaming at me about John Lennon being a misogynist while I was screaming about being on fire.”

NDP candidate Maurice Morriel thinks Todd needs to chill out. “Is it crazy to set a man on fire for playing a Beatles song?” asks Maurice. “No. It’s perfectly reasonable. Artists must accept the diktats of their moral superiors” says Maurice. “If they don’t do as they’re told, they deserve to suffer. It’s not about censorship, it’s about equality, and the only way to ensure equality is to scare everyone into obeying the left."

Tabloid journalist Wyonna Jazibil dreams of a world where it's illegal to criticize the left. “Thankfully, you can’t graduate from University without being politically indoctrinated. Since most jobs in the media and in the government require a University degree, more and more authoritarian progressives are taking over the machinery of the state and press. Within the next fifteen years, we’ll control everything. We’ll finally be able to impose our will on the rest of society and no one will be able to challenge us. I can’t wait.”

Todd thinks that progressives are courting disaster. “Most Canadians believe in equality,” says Todd. “They don’t, however, share the totalitarian beliefs that are quickly becoming entrenched among the new literati and bureaucratic mandarins. Today’s progressives are coasting on the good will earned by the progressives of yesteryear, and once people realize that the two are not the same, they will come down hard on these people. Musicians shouldn’t need to ask progressives for their permission before creating music, painters shouldn’t have to be afraid of angry university students before making art, and writers shouldn’t have to worry about being harassed by online lynch mobs."

Wyonna thinks Todd is a bigot. “I’m sorry, but Todd is an example of how screwed up our society has become,” says Wyonna. “He thinks he’s entitled to his own thoughts, but he isn’t. Obedience is the only true path to freedom."

What do you think? Is freedom of speech oppressive? Should artists only create art approved by liberal art graduates? Let us know!
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