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Thursday March 12th, 2015

A mob of angry progressives threw event organizer John Wilkinson off a bridge yesterday afternoon after confronting him over his controversial Squeeze Some Breasts for Charity event scheduled for March 21st.

Mr. Wilkinson survived the fall without suffering serious harm. “I don’t understand the amount of anger progressives have sent my way because of this charity event,” says Mr. Wilkinson. “All the money that we’re raising is going to breast cancer research organizations, everyone that’s involved in the event is participating of their own free will. We’ve hired a lot of security to ensure that our event is both safe and fun. It seems like a lot of progressives just really hate the idea of people being playfully sexual. When was the left overtaken by mean spirited anti-sex puritans?"

The Squeeze Some Breasts for Charity event was inspired by a similar yearly event in Japan in which porn stars let fans squeeze their breasts in exchange for donations to help fight aids.

“I thought that was a brilliant idea, so I wanted to organize something like that in Canada, except I wanted to throw in some techno music and dancing,” says Mr. Wilkinson. “Little did I know that I’d end up getting thrown off a bridge by sex negative liberals who think they have a right to tell grown men and women what they’re allowed to do with their bodies."

Progressives, for their part, dismiss the accusations. “The fact is, human sexuality need to be controlled and regimented by an enlightened progressive minority,” says Concordia professor Samathan Coolidge. “If we let people like Mr. Wilkinson organize parties where men and women are encouraged to touch each other for charity, we’re basically undermining the rights of women, which can only be protected by preventing individuals from asserting bodily autonomy. People are products of culture, we have no human individuality, we are 100% defined by our environment, and if we want to live rich and full lives, we have to submit to the political whims of a cultural minority of progressive puritans. The cacophony of sexual autonomy poses a dire threat to women’s rights, and that’s why it’s completely justifiable to throw a man off a bridge if he organizes a sex party. Vote NDP in 2015!"

What do you think? Are you Team Squeezing Breasts or Team Throwing Breast Squeezers Off Bridges? Let us know!
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