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Tuesday June 30th, 2015

Researchers at The Quebec Institute of Urbanological Studies have released a damning report that shows that Montreal causes drug addiction. “We have iron clad evidence that shows that moving to Montreal dramatically increases your chance of turning into a meth head,” says lead researcher Dr. Beryl Roll. “Six out of ten people who move to Montreal develop a substance abuse problem, which towers over the drug abuse problems of other Canadian cities."

Dr. Roll says that other cities have their own problems, but that Montreal’s are in a league of their own. "If you move to Toronto, chances are you’ll just become a boring person with a desk job, a love of processed foods, and a deep hatred for artists or living a meaningful life. If you move to Montreal, though, chances are you’ll become a drug addicted hooker who is always hungry for blow. Your mouth will be constantly searching for new genitals to explore while your body will crave an endless supply of narcotics."

Police say that Dr. Roll’s study will help them craft new ways of dealing with drug offenders. “I think it’s important for us to realize that cities have individual cultures,” says Sgt. Annabell Lecter of the SPVM. “And hence, we can’t police Montreal the way we’d police Toronto. If our city has a culture that promotes drug addiction, prostitution, and wild debauchery, than we need to tailor our policing strategies to reflect our unique culture."

Dr. Roll says that Montreal’s drug fuelled ways aren’t necessarily a bad thing. “Sure, if you move to Montreal you’ll probably wind up in a alleyway giving blow jobs to strangers so that you can keep buying meth,” says Dr. Roll, “but what’s wrong with that? I think most Montrealers would rather be drug crazed sex fiends than boring office workers. Drugs and prostitution are fun. Being boring isn’t. I think it’s okay that Montreal causes drug addiction. We shouldn’t shy away from that fact, we should advertise it."

The Montreal Tourist Board has taken Dr. Roll’s advice to heart and will begin unrolling it’s new ‘Try Crystal Meth In Montreal!' marketing campaign over the coming weeks.
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