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Friday June 19th, 2015

Controversial Quebec developer Guy Goring isn’t a stranger to public enmity, and his latest plan is sure to raise hell if he succeeds in following through with it. His idea is as simple as it is offensive: he’s going to build an anglophone concentration camp theme park. “I have this idea of a place where people can go and beat up the English,” says Guy. “I think it will be very popular. And, I want to clear this up before the press goes crazy with accusations. This theme park will be entirely consensually. There will be no coercive violence. Think of it as a kind of 'fifty shades of anglo', a place were masochistic anglophones can go to be treated terribly."

Guy says the inspiration for the park came to him after he was introduced to the existence of vocal, self-hating English progressives. “I never knew about this white guilt concept, it’s a very English idea,” says Guy. “When I found out that English progressives hated themselves as much as I hated them, I realized we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I could arrange to have people physically and emotionally abuse them and they could feel better about themselves by being abused. Everyone wins."

Guy expects to make a lot of money monetizing the self-loathing of English speaking progressives. “The English left believe that it’s impossible for white people to be oppressed,” says Guy. “I’m okay with this line of thought to an extent, because if it’s impossible to oppress white people, then it’s impossible to oppress the English. I’ll take my silver linings where I can. If my theme park is successful, I hope it will pave the way to an even larger social project: I want to make it legal for people of colour to own English progressives as slaves. It would help balance out our karmic debt, it would provide English progressives with the spiritual salvation that they so desperately crave, and it would lead to an increase in tourism as wealthy people from around the world flock to Quebec to own an anglophone of their very own. If i can legalize the ownership of anglo progressives, I hope to transform my theme park in to North America’s premiere white slave market."

Many people are excited about the theme park’s potential. “As an marginalized oppressed person,” says John Smith, a ginger haired British man who converted to Islam two weeks ago, “I look forward to finally being able to beat up some white people. I’d rather have the opportunity to attack all whites, but beggars can’t be choosers. i’ll settle for the English for now. I truly believe that this theme park will really help bring people of all nations together in a way that puts the social into social justice."

Guy says that his park will offer all sorts of fun activities. “We’ll have a tar & feathering station, a gimp room, a colosseum where anglophones will be forced to fight each other, various kinky torture devices,” says Guy, “It’ll be fun for the whole family. We’ll also have roller coaster rides, a ferris wheel, an on-premise hotel, and a dance club that will provide the best quality EDM this side of the Atlantic ocean. If you’re looking to beat up the English in a legal, consensual setting, our theme park will be at the top of your vacation destination list. We won’t let other white people hurt the english, but that’s okay, non-english whites will be able to sponsor people of colour who can’t afford to travel to the park. You might not be able to beat up the english personally, but you can enjoy the knowledge that you’ve helped an oppressed person of colour smack some anglos around."

Tens of thousands of masochistic English progressives have already signed up as volunteers. “As a white person who has absolutely no self-esteem, I deserve to suffer incredible indignities,” says liberal art graduate Michael Roberts. “I didn’t learn much in University, but I did learn that."

Guy is happy that he did. “God, I love English Universities. I don’t have to convince the English that they’re terrible people, because their Universities have already done that for me. This theme park is going to make me a billionaire, and that would never have happened without their help. As an anglo-hating bigot, I want to thank all the liberal art programs across America. You've helped me find a way to make my bigotry socially acceptable. I'll do it by funding hateful proxies that you're not allowed to criticize because of your twisted, ass backwards post-modernist logic. Thanks!"

The Anglo Concentration Camp Theme Park will open in 2018. Order early bird tickets today by calling 1-800-Yo-Whitey.
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