Index - About Us Register - Login
Menu
 
Article Listings
 
Newest Articles
 
All Articles
Monthly View
 
2017 September
 
2017 August
 
2017 July
 
2017 January
 
2016 May
 
2016 April
 
2016 March
 
2016 February
 
2016 January
 
2015 December
 
2015 November
 
2015 October
 
2015 September
 
2015 August
 
2015 July
 
2015 June
 
2015 May
 
2015 April
 
2015 March
 
2015 January
 
2014 September
 
2014 August
 
2014 July
 
2014 June
 
2014 May
 
2014 April
 
2013 November
 
2013 October
 
2013 June
 
2013 May
 
2013 April
 
2013 March
 
2013 February
 
2013 January
 
2012 November
 
2012 October
 
2012 September
 
2012 August
 
2012 June
 
2011 December
 
2011 November
 
2011 August
 
2011 July
 
2010 December
 
2010 November
 
2010 October
Like Us!
Thursday June 18th, 2015
TEENAGERS ELECTRIFIED BY TASER PARTIES



Dozens of West Island parents were shocked after learning that their teenage children were taking part in an electrifying new trend: taser parties.

43 year old critical theorist Penderwick Snoot, who studies ridiculous nonsense for a living, has been spreading the word about taser parties ever since he first discovered their existence while researching his book “I hate myself but at least I have a liberal arts degree”.

“As a critical theorist, I live a parasitic existence. I am a completely, totally, and utterly useless human being that no one will ever love,” says Penderwick. “In order to cope with the fact that my liberal arts degree makes me unloveable, I spend all my free time on the internet looking for people to belittle and insult. I’ve compiled my best flamewars into a book which should be released in 2018. A morose teenager discovered my online vitriol and liked it so much, they invited me to a taser party. Like most liberal art graduates, I have very low self-esteem, so I never say no to an invitation. I’ll hang out with anybody, even 14 year olds. Anyways, the taser party was an eye opening experience."

According to Penderwick, teenagers in affluent neighbourhoods have started organizing parties where they spend hours electrocuting each other. “They don’t dance, they don’t listen to music, they just shock each other,” says Penderwick. “They advertise and organize their parties exclusively via the internet. Most of these events are small gatherings of twenty to thirty privileged teenagers who are struggling with the fact that, as white people in North America, they are the living embodiment of injustice and oppression. They know, in their bones, that they all deserve to die, but they lack the intestinal fortitude to kill themselves. Instead, they just torture each other in the hopes that their acts of electric contrition will absolve themselves of the sin of having been born."

Doctors have corroborated the existence of taser parties. “We have noticed a definite surge in teenage taser victims over the last year,” says Dr. Baudlebraughthaka of the Montreal Stemlord Hospital. “I guess I’m supposed to say that I hope parents will help educate their children about the dangers of playing with electricity, but at this point, screw it. Our society seems hell bent on committing suicide, so why not help push it along. If these kids want to destroy themselves, its their funeral. As a doctor, I’m sick of these idiots wasting my time. If you’re dumb enough to electrocute yourself on purpose, you don’t deserve to live."

Penderwick agrees. “I look forward to a world where everyone hates society as much as I do,” says Penderwick. “The idea of living in a world where everyone hates everybody and we all want to die? That makes me happy."
Comments
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2017 Rave News