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COPS ARREST 84 YEAR OLD MAN FOR PARTYING TOO HARD
Montreal Police officers are calling Edward Gibbon’s Canada’s older raver after arresting him for partying too hard. “He threw a rave at his apartment,” says Sgt. Peralta, “and didn’t inform his neighbours. They were less than amused when the techno kept blasting far past midnight."
Edward’s neighbours are usually accommodating of his eccentricities, but this time they feel he went too far. “I like that he lives his life like he’s never going to die,” says Mary Winston, who lives next door to the party fiend. “However, it does bother me when he goes overboard. We live in a quiet residential neighbourhood in the west island. We’re not the rave capital of Canada. When he start blasting psytrance at 3am and teenagers are passed out on drugs on our lawn, I have to put my foot down."
Edward, for his part, remains unrepentant. “I’m going to die soon anyways,” says Edward. “I’m not going to go out quietly. When I die, I’ll be high on LSD, with a 19 year old woman’s lips around my cock and my brain completely melted to mush by some rip-roaringly loud EDM. You only live once, and I’m nearing the end of my ride. Fuck y’all bitches for getting up in my business. If you’re not living hardcore, you’re not living at all, and I’m going to squeeze every last drop of passion out of my wrinkle old body. If you want to put me in jail, I say bring it on."
The old raver's antics has won him admirers from around the world. “I want to grow up to be as cool as Edward,” says 22 year old Australian Malek Bosworth. “He’s 84 and he’s still partying his ass off. You can be an old and frail and still have it going on. It’s inspiring. Getting old doesn’t mean you have to get boring."
Malek loves Edward so much, he started a church in his honour. “The Church of Edward puts raving front and centre,” says Malek. “We worship the party of life, and believe that fun, fun, fun is number one. If you’re not having a good time, you’re sinning in the eyes of the lord."
Police have decided not to charge Edward, but have warned him to be more mindful of his neighbours in the future. “Like hell I will,” says Edward. “Those pussies should be at my apartment with me dancing their sad little asses off. The reason I blast my music so loud is because I want everyone to dance with me. And if you’re not going to dance, you’re going to suffer."
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