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Monday June 15th, 2015

Half a dozen clubs in Montreal are experimenting with Stall Quickies, a new internet enabled dating service. Bathroom stalls at participating clubs have been equipped with touch screens that feature eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in attendance at the venue. Users in the club are alerted when their picture have been approved and are then sent a picture of the person in the bathroom stall. If they approve of what they see, they don’t have to swipe their phone, they just have to go to the bathroom and knock on the appropriate stall door.

“We wanted to make it easier for people to have sex in our bathroom stalls,” says club owner Patrice Wanitestan. “We realized that we could use technology to make something that used to be low class, high class. Now people don’t have to feel ashamed about sneaking away to have sex with strangers in dingy and disgusting bathroom stalls. They can feel pride knowing that we not only sanction their act of public debasement, we encourage it."

Clubbers have already been quick to embrace the application. “I’ve always had a thing for bad sex that left me feeling ashamed of myself in the morning,” says Henrietta Stark. “Thanks to Stall Quickies, it’s not easier to throw my self-respect right out the window than it’s ever been."

Many men share her praise. “I’ve always wanted to get herpes,” says Corey Rift, “and now thanks to Stall Quickies, I can! Heck, I plan on collecting all the STDs out there. They’re like pokemon, and I want my collection to be complete. Everyone should try Stall Quickies."

Patrice says he’s happy that the service has been such a hit with clubbers. “We plan on conquering the world,” says Patrice. “Every club on earth will one day have Stall Quickies installed in their bathrooms. We’re going to take the guess work out of finding someone at a club to have sad, desperate sex with. That’s why people go clubbing in the first place. Sure, people say they party for music, but that’s like men who say they read playboy for the articles. We know what you really want. To fill some empty holes. Including the one in your soul."
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