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Wednesday June 10th, 2015

Can you live off a diet of dubstep and despair? 33 year old unemployed screw-up Jason Dwyer has decided to find out. “I woke up yesterday and realized that I didn’t need to eat food anymore, I didn’t need to drink water anymore, I didn’t need any of that nonsense,” says Jason. “All I ever needed was dubstep and despair."

Starting effective immediately, Jason will no longer go to work, bathe, or even get out of bed. “All I’m going to do is listen to dubstep while stewing in my own quiet desperation,” says Jason. “As far as life plans go, I think this two step strategy of mine will lead to some very positive outcomes. I’m really excited at what my future holds."

Lisa Lannigan, Jason’s ex-girlfriend, agrees. “I've always worried that he wouldn’t find his way in life,” says Lisa, “but now that he’s found his purpose, I find him so much more attractive. His new found ambition turns me on and really gets me going. I think I might have been wrong about breaking up with him."

Henry Dwyer, Jason’s 65 year old father, is happy that his son has finally figured life out. “I’m glad he’s found a goal worth pursuing,” says Henry. “It takes a special kind of bravery to dedicate your life to listening to dubstep while quietly wrestling with feelings of pain and hopelessness. I’m proud of my son, I’m proud of his courage, and I’m proud of the man he’s grown into. God bless him."

Jason is happy that people believe in him, but he doesn’t think that his mission will be an easy one. “My goal will require hard work and dedication, but I’m committed to seeing it through. I promise to spend waking hour of my life to listening to dubstep while feeling a deep sense of despair."
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