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Monday June 8th, 2015

Montrealers are scratching their heads as a Chinese funeral practice makes it way to the city. More and more people are hiring strippers and DJs to work at funerals in order to ensure that people actually show up. “The funeral business is getting cut-throat,” says mortician Maggy Morgana. “It used to be that people would show up at your funeral out of a sense of moral obligation, but as our civilizations becomes increasingly decadent and corrupt, more and more of us simply can’t be bothered to show up at the funerals of our friends and family. Enter the Funeral Media Entertaintment complex. Now, if you want people to visit you before you’re buried, you need to entice them with strippers and techno music."

The practice of hiring funeral strippers got so out of hand that the Chinese government had to ban the practice. “Even though it’s against the law in mainland China, that hasn’t stopped people from pimping out funerals,” says Maggy. “Dying is boring, so it’s perfectly natural that people would want to dress it up with tits, ass, and EDM."

The rise of pimped out funerals has given birth to an entirely new form of partying known as funeral crashing. “Funeral crashing is like wedding crashing but with naked women, good music, and dead bodies,” says 23 year old professional funeral crasher Monty Cantsin. “The great thing about funeral crashing is that people die everyday, which means that the parties never end. I love the fact that people are pimping out funerals. It means i’ll never get bored again."

People have become so obsessed with decking out the funerals of loved ones, that DJ business is booming. “I used to have a lot of trouble making ends meet,” says DJ Spankeriffic, “but thanks to this new funeral trend, i’m booked seven days a week. Sometimes i even play multiplie funerals in a single day. I love funerals man. Funerals used to be dull, but now they’re hardcore."

Not everyone is a fan of this new trend, however. Rev. Noah Phillips says he thinks it’s sacrilegious. “We truly are living in the end of times,” says the reverend. “When people take pleasure in morbidity, what hope does our society have?"
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