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Monday July 27th, 2015

Californian bartender Fabio Fibonacci was arrested over the weekend after two of the customers he served, a lesbian couple, had drunken sex at their apartment. The police charged Fabio with rape under California’s controversial affirmative consent law, which asserts that women are incapable of consenting to sex while under the influence.

“When the police were approached by one of the lesbians who regretted her night of drunken sex, they did the only thing California law allowed them to do: they arrested Fabio for her rape,” says Fabio’s lawyer Basil Peddleton. “In California, if a male bartender serves beer to drunk lesbians and they end up having sex, he’s on the hook for having made that happen. Thanks to affirmative consent laws, we are increasingly living in a country where women are no longer held responsible for their own actions. We are regressing to the Victorian era in the name of gender equality. It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic."

California democrats disagree. “Is it sexist to believe that men are always responsible while women are always irresponsible?” asks Senator Drew Garrey. “No, it’s not sexist, it’s just plain old common sense. We need to pass laws that treat women like feeble weaklings, because that’s what they are. Anyone who thinks that men and women should be treated equally under the law is actually a misogynistic bigot who deserves to be shunned and shamed and chased out of civilized of society."

Fabio disagrees. “All I did was what I was paid to do: get people drunk. Now they’re blaming me for my customers having drunken sex. They went to a bar, I served them beer, but because they’re women, they’re not responsible for their actions, I am. It’s insane. The world has gone nuts,” says Fabio. “If you’re a male and you live in a Western country, get the hell out while you can. Politicians are starting to squeeze the vice on regular men, passing laws that are so thoroughly stupid that sooner or later, there’s going to be hell to pay. You don’t want to be here once the bill comes due."
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