Concordia’s Liberal Art & Authority Student Union has come out swinging against mixed gendered environments, and is calling for the University to ban dancing and displays of public affection between men and women.

“As anyone who has taken a liberal arts class at Concordia knows,” says Union president Chris Tékon, “we live in a patriarchy, and as a result of the patriarchy, it is structural impossible for women to give their consent to anything in our society so long as they live under male oppression. That is why dancing must be banned, that is why kissing must be banned, that is why male/female relationships must be banned."

Most students at Concordia agree. “Women need to take their power back from men,” says gender studies student Nicole Bradwaithe. “All women are victims of male oppression, and the only way for us to end that is by recognizing our victimhood. We need to realize that it’s impossible for us to have consensual sex in a patriarchal society. All PIV sex, that is to say penis-in-vagina sex, is rape. It is rape because men are our oppressors, and if they are our oppressors, we cannot have consensual sex with them. That is a fact. If you believe in patriarchy, you have to also believe in it’s consequences: that all sex is rape. Dancing is rape. Kissing is rape. All male/female interactions are rape. Intersectionality akbar!"

Chris agrees. “We believe that Concordia will only be safe for women when men are no longer allowed on campus, but until that happens, we’ll be satisfied with banning all inter-gender interactions. We encourage women to avoid their oppressors."

Chris says that his union is ready to enforce the ban on dancing and PDAs. “We don’t need permission to do the right thing,” says Chris. “If the students vote no on our proposal, we’ll do it anyways. Anyone who opposes us is on the wrong side of history and they deserve what’s coming to them."

The Liberal Art & Authority Student Union has purchased stylish brown shirts, which it will be giving to a select crowd of Gender Enforcement Agents, who will begin policing Concordia for deviant sexual behaviours. “Women and men engaged in flirting, touching, and other oppressive behaviours will be sanctioned and punished,” says Chris. “Social Justice demands their compliance."