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Thursday July 23rd, 2015

Montreal’s Hyperdrank Creations has scored a massive business hit with Big Woof, the world’s first dog saliva based energy drink. “We wanted to invent something entirely new,” says Hyperdrank president Ellen Chiotte, “and so we decided to turn dog saliva into a hip beverage that young people would love to drink. Flavoured dog saliva. It’s tasty, it’s healthy, and it will wake you up. It’s caffeine & sugar free, but drinking it will feel like you’re snorting a line of cocaine off your lover’s ass."

Ellen knew that Big Woof would be popular with kids, but she never realized how popular. “Big Woof is the pokemon of Energy Drinks,” says business analyst Aleja Gomez. “It’s popularity is through the roof. Everyone under the age of 21 loves it. No exception. If you don’t drink big woof, you’re a social pariah that no one wants to be friends with, it’s just an insanely huge phenomenon."

No one knows exactly why Big Woof is as inexplicably popular as it is, though that hasn’t stopped people from coming up with their own theories. “Everyone loves dogs,” says veterinarian Heidi Braun, “so it’s not surprising that flavoured dog slobber would be a hit. The only thing i’m surprised by is that it took this long for someone to monetize dog spit."

Clubs and raves have caught the hint, and these days buying a bottle of Big Woof at a party will cost you less than a bottle of water does. “It’s a bit like in France, where it costs less money to buy wine in some restaurants than it does to buy water. Big Woof is wine for millennials. When we’re out with friends, we don’t want to drink a glass of red wine, we want to hit back a bottle of cherry flavoured Big Woof."
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