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Thursday July 16th, 2015

Medical researchers at Montreal’s Cévrai Hospital have released a new study that shows what many new mothers have known all along: giving birth leads to a drug high that feels a lot like ecstasy.

“When a woman gives birth, her brain is flooded with a cocktail of intoxicating hormones that make her feel like a million dollars,” says lead researcher Tabar Naködecalis. “I think that’s natures way of making up for the pain of childbirth . Once the baby is out, the brain throws itself a party, and manufactures its own supply of drugs, so many drugs that the hours after giving birth, women often feel like they’re Andy Dick in a Nevada whorehouse."

The researchers theorize that postpartum hormones could be used to create new and exciting drugs. “Once we learn why female brains produce postpartum drug cocktails, we might be able to reverse engineer the process,” says Tabar. "Best case scenario, we’ll figure out innovative ways to fight depression. Worst case scenario, evil gangs of ne’er do-wells might start kidnapping pregnant women and then sucking out their postpartum brain juice using terrifying dystopian machines. Ravers at parties will no longer get high on MDMA, instead they’ll drink fluids that were forcibly removed from the skulls of pregnant women. This is a very real concern of ours, which is why our research needs to proceed with caution."

Ravers for their part deny that they would ever want to drink the brain fluids of pregnant women. “That’s just evil,” says 18 year old party kid Louis Katel. “I’d rather just buy cocaine from a south american drug cartel. I’m ethical, y’know."
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