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Thursday January 8th, 2015

Montreal promoter Edwin Vigo has so much money, he doesn’t know what to do with it all. “I’m so damn rich, I just don’t know how to spend all my money,” says Edwin. “It’s the kind of problem few people are burdened with, and it really is a burden. Having too much money is a lot like not having enough to eat, it warps your psychology and skews the way you see the world.”

Edwin, though, has come up with a solution to his cash problems. “Well, I figured I’d spread the wealth by hiring half a dozen people to follow me around with a boombox,” says Edwin. “They’ll provide my life with a moment-to-moment soundtrack that I can share with the world in real time. When something exciting happens, they’ll start playing up tempo music, and maybe breakdance or beatbox a little bit. When something sad happens, they’ll put on some really depressing classical music, and maybe pantomime the act of crying. When sexy times are afoot, they can put on some Enya or some Pantera, depending on whether or not i’m about to have romantic love or a hard and dirty gang bang. My boombox posse will interpret the mood of every single moment in my life, and translate it into theatrical terms."

Edwin denies having gotten the idea from a family guy episode. “I totally came up with it on my own,” says Edwin. “I am unique and original, and having other people provide my life with a constant soundtrack is the perfect way of displaying my originality while also lightening my pocket book. It’s two birds with one stone, and I think it’ll be a ton of fun.”

This isn’t the first time a rich person hired a bunch of people to follow them around. “Gwen Stefani, the lead singer of No Doubt, once hired a bunch of Japanese women to follow her around for no reason,” says wealthologist Ray Engels. “The very, very wealthy often adorn their lives with poor people. It’s a way of constantly reminding the working class that the most they can ever aspire to become is furniture for the rich.”

Edwin denies that his boom box posse is in poor taste. “They’re not furniture” says Edwin. “They’re background noise. I think that’s a very important distinction.”

To apply for Edwin’s boom box posse, visit Montreal’s craigslist classified section.
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