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Thursday December 31st, 2015

Doctors are raising the alarms about a new fad that's taken Montreal's party scene by storm. "Young men are getting their penises tattooed so that their members look like minions, those yellow little creatures from the Despicable Me movies," says penisologist Mike Myers. "Every day, dozens of men across Montreal decide to have their penises cosmetically altered so that they look more like funny little cartoon characters."

Mike believes that we as a society need to stand up and say enough is enough. " Penises are wonderful, delicate flowers that need to be respected and honoured," he says. "When you tattoo your penis, you're telling the world that your cock wasn't enough on its own. That it needed to be upgraded and improved. That's a terrible message to send the world. When men disrespect their penises, they disrespect all penises, that's why we have to stand together in solidarity and let men know that they have to respect the cock. Because if men don't respect the cock, how can we expect women to respect the cock?"

Cultists at Montreal's Golden Phallic Temple agree. "The penis is a sacred thing," says Golden Phallic Patriarch Mondo Gravy. "And it's important to honour and adore the sacred things which imbue our lives with meaning. Men who tattoo their penises so that they look like funny little yellow monsters are committing blasphemy against the divine phallus around which our universe rotates."

Not everyone shares Patriarch Mondo Gravy's concerns. "I got my dick tattooed last month and I don't regret it," says 22 year old fast food worker Heinz Groening. "I'm not particularly well endowed so when women would see my penis for the first time, they'd always look away in disappointment. Not anymore, though. Even though I have a tiny pecker, women bust out smiling whenever they see it. My penis is so cute and adorable now, they just want to put in their mouth and lick it!"
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